I am posting this letter one day early because I will not be on the computer tomorrow...it is Celebrate Gus Day! Gus died on May 31, 2006 and we will be celebrating his life this evening and all day tomorrow...
I have found it very therapeutic to write letters to Gus. The following is the letter I’ve written to mark the second anniversary of this death…or rather, his “homegoing”. I want to make it very clear that by writing this letter I am in no way trying to make contact with him. Contacting the dead is wrong and quite dangerous. (Deut. 8:9-12). There are deceitful spirits out there that yearn to make us think we are talking to our loved ones when in all actuality we are not. Besides…God has provided us with the only Spirit we need…the Holy Spirit. He will not deceive us nor misguide us. Since I’m certain that the Lord and Gus see each other daily, I have asked Him to share these letters if it is His will….I like to think it is!
It has been two years since we said goodbye to each other. When I think about the time that has passed, I am amazed that it has been that long—yet, then again, sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. I am still able to feel the weight of your little body in my arms. I can even still imagine nuzzling your neck and breathing in your precious baby smell. I know in time that will pass. God comforts me with these memories and I am thankful.
I still dream of you often. My hope is that I will continue to do so until we are reunited. My dreams of you are often funny. I can honestly say that I wake up from them feeling joy instead of the great dread that I could feel in knowing you are no longer here. God uses these dreams to bring me comfort and I am thankful.
Your dad is about to graduate nursing school and I’ve just started working on my three pre-requisites so I can start nursing school next summer. My time with you has shown me that I can handle the toughest things on this earth. Certainly I have not done any of these things—like holding you as your heart beat for the last time—on my own but only through the magnificent power of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Because of this, I am praying that God will bless us with in-home opportunities to care for other medically fragile children—especially the ones that are abandoned in the hospital and have no one. This sounds crazy to a lot of people and I do understand. Who in their right mind would want to get attached to a child that may die?? Who would set themselves up for such heartache?? Well, your dad and I would…and we would be honored to have the opportunity to do so. I have been blessed and equipped with the experience of your death and as I start school, I look forward to the chances I will have to “give back”. God has empowered me to face the tough things and has given me empathy and I am thankful.
As I am aware of the fact that a righteous man’s prayer is powerful and effective(James 5:16), and you my son are as righteous as you can be since you are now with the Lord, I am hoping you will pray for me…well, for all of us Doriots! Seriously, this world is so beautiful yet so dark—so full of sin. I strive daily to live joyfully and I look forward with great anticipation to our reunion. It is hard here though so please pray that we will not grow weary and lose sight of Home. God uses the reality of Heaven and seeing you again to comfort me…and I am thankful!
I love you, Gus!