More Gus Dreams...

From my journal:

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 02, 2007 08:37 AM, CST

I've been blessed with another "Gus dream"....in this one he was sitting in his car seat and he was signing..."Listen mommy...I want to kiss you....feed me!" ....and the only place I could find to stop and get the little guy some food was a stinkin' Burger King!! Sheesh!!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2006 10:30 PM, CST

If you have experienced the loss of a child, then you have certainly experienced all the exchausting dreams too! I've read that it's our minds trying to "wrap" itself around the fact that our child is no longer with us. Right after Gus died, I would have these dreams where I was so busy trying to save him and get others to see that he was not dead but alive. These dreams would wear me out...extreme exhaustion! I still dream about Gus..almost every night. I'm glad to say though, that these dreams are not so exhausting anymore...well, except for the one where I was loosing my teeth after being diagnosed with wrist cancer...all this made worse by the fact that the only way I was going to survive was to have a kidney/heart transplant (because we all know that's how wrist cancer is cured! lol!!)...gee whiz!! maybe one day I'll tell you all about the dream I had when we had taken Gus back for a check up with the NICU doctors...it's funny! lol!!

Anyway, please keep me in your prayers this coming month as I write my novel about a mom, a little boy and Heaven....I want this writing to glorify God! This will be part of a project called NaNoWriMo and will last the entire month of November. Pete's writing too...our goal is to write 50, 000 words. I'm really excited about this...I have found that writing has been very therapeutic for me! Will this book be published?? Probably not! I've never been an impressive writer but I do think it will be good for me to get my feelings and thoughts down on paper!!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 06, 2007 07:35 AM, CST

Another dream...this one has drained me though. I am just so sad right now.

I had left the hospital room to find out about the man who had the bolt embedded in his head (maybe I watch too much Discovery Health! lol!!) and when I got back to the room, Gus was in a large isolette...looking really healthy! He was wearing a white onesie and he looked great. I was thrilled that everyone was wrong about him dying!! He looked over at me and with his eyes he said " There you are...come pick me up!" And so I did....and then I woke up.....

From My Journal

August 21, 2006

These dreams of Gus are wearing me out! I wake up and sometimes I have to jog my memory a bit to realize that he really is not here anymore. Last night I dreamt that I had signed up for a literature class which was right next door to the NICU where Gus was. I had decided to not check in on him for some reason but instead asked one of the mom’s I ran into in the hallway to tell me how Gus was doing. (I would NEVER have done that! LOL!) She told me that he was doing ok..that he had would desat into the 20s (this is a very big deal..not good at all!) on a regular basis but then he would recover and when she left he seemed to be fine. So I went in and the doctors told me that they didn’t know what to do with him so I could just take him home and feed him and see what happened. So that’s what I did…however, I was only able to feed him sterile ice cubes so he didn’t grow very much!! He did babble and had a hard time keeping his diaper on though!! Then the phone rang….and I was yanked out of dreamland….

Dreams during grief are very common.

Last night I had a dream that I was trying to convince people that Gus was truly deaf. One of my friends from church was in the room and was begging me to explain to her what is meant by "good people"....I was really bothered by her because she just wouldn't take any of my explanations! Finally, I told her that "good people" were deaf...so she turned to the rest of the people and told them what I had said. All of a sudden everyone understood!

I woke up feeling like I needed to make sure that everyone at church understood that Gus was deaf and that we were going to be signing until he got his cochlear implant...and then reality hit. Gus is no longer here. I had to smile then because even though he is no longer here with us, he is healed and is in Heaven...and I just can't wait to see him!!

This is important....NO ANALYZING MY DREAMS!! lol!! I know I've got issues and I like that way! lol!!