From My Journal

August 21, 2006

These dreams of Gus are wearing me out! I wake up and sometimes I have to jog my memory a bit to realize that he really is not here anymore. Last night I dreamt that I had signed up for a literature class which was right next door to the NICU where Gus was. I had decided to not check in on him for some reason but instead asked one of the mom’s I ran into in the hallway to tell me how Gus was doing. (I would NEVER have done that! LOL!) She told me that he was doing ok..that he had would desat into the 20s (this is a very big deal..not good at all!) on a regular basis but then he would recover and when she left he seemed to be fine. So I went in and the doctors told me that they didn’t know what to do with him so I could just take him home and feed him and see what happened. So that’s what I did…however, I was only able to feed him sterile ice cubes so he didn’t grow very much!! He did babble and had a hard time keeping his diaper on though!! Then the phone rang….and I was yanked out of dreamland….

Dreams during grief are very common.

Last night I had a dream that I was trying to convince people that Gus was truly deaf. One of my friends from church was in the room and was begging me to explain to her what is meant by "good people"....I was really bothered by her because she just wouldn't take any of my explanations! Finally, I told her that "good people" were deaf...so she turned to the rest of the people and told them what I had said. All of a sudden everyone understood!

I woke up feeling like I needed to make sure that everyone at church understood that Gus was deaf and that we were going to be signing until he got his cochlear implant...and then reality hit. Gus is no longer here. I had to smile then because even though he is no longer here with us, he is healed and is in Heaven...and I just can't wait to see him!!

This is important....NO ANALYZING MY DREAMS!! lol!! I know I've got issues and I like that way! lol!!