Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Heavy Heart

From a skinny little "gut baby" to a swollen, blood leaking out of his veins and into his tissue baby. I'm not mad...just very, very sad right now. I hate that he got so bad before he died. He was always so full of life but he died so lifeless...until the peace of the Lord washed over his face. I am convinced that I have never been as close to Heaven as I was at that very moment his heart beat for the last time and I laid him before the Lord.
Sometimes it is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that he was here and now he's gone. I wish I could look through the kitchen down into the den and see him laying on his quilt trying to roll over...or playing with one of sibs...or plucking out his hearing aids...oh, how I miss those hearing aids! I miss putting the toupee tape on the aids so it was harder for him to pull them out....I miss feeding him those little veggie puffs that melt in your mouth...I miss finding cheese puffs behind his ears...I just miss him....and I always will. Yet, in a strange way, there's comfort in knowing that others have experienced the same thing.
It's good to not be alone in your suffering.


Melanie said...

How very touching and very sad. I was just complaining that I was up all night with my little girl. Now I am thankful that I was up all night with my little girl. Thank you for the reminder.

I've never visited this blog before and althought I have no idea what you are going through, I am going to say a special prayer for you today.

Anonymous said...

Aww...I am sorry you have to go through this. I wish the little yellow dumpling was hear too. I never got to meet him! I love you! (((BIG HUGS)))

TeaMouse said...

Your little boy had the smile of an angel! He may be gone from this life, but know that he is with you in heaven - death is only hard on those who are left behind.

Such a beautiful boy! I'm so sorry you all had to go through something so tragic as this.

Kathleen aka Coffee Mom said...

Oh Jenny, I wish you didn't have to go through the pain. I'm praying for peace for you.

annie said...

There is nothing like seeing your child go through so much. I am so sorry Gus is no longer with you. I pray that you are comforted in your sadness Jenny. I imagine he is in the arms of Jesus, a place I wouldn't mind being myself.
love and hugs to you.

AscenderRisesAbove said...

very sad. you express your grief very well as I could almost imagine how sad you must feel; which i am sure isnt even close

Esther said...

I've been following your blog recently. I'm really glad you have an outreach to people with sick children and people who have lost their children.

I'm in a category that I don't feel fits anywhere. We went to Russia last year and finalized the adoption of a little girl. She was almost three. We went home to the US to wait the 6-8 weeks before we could return to Russia to bring her home. That turned into 8 months. We finally got in touch with the Russian authorities and found out that we could not bring home our little girl. Our adoption agency turned out to be baby trafficking. To make matters worse, the bio mom of our little girl was able to get parental rights back to our little girl, only on the condition that they BOTH live in an institution together so that BIO MOM can be monitored. Sigh.

So we lost our little girl. We told the Russian authorities that we want to return for a court date to bring our little girl home if this situation ever falls apart for the bio mom. We will most likely never see her again. Who knows if the Russian authorities will care or bother to notify us.

Anyway, I thought of you today, the anniversary of the day you lost your boy. Today I felt I needed to do something for our littel girl, ZsaZsa. So I made her a memory stone. I wrote about it over on my blog, if you would like to see the pictures.

Thank you again for writing to inspire others and to set a place for parents to meet who have lost their children.

Bless you, Esther